TWENTY. God, bless this mess.

I'm 20.


I suddenly feel like I need to have my life completely together and figured out.

And I've never felt like my life is further from "together."


As I walked across the stage to receive my first college degree, I decided I didn't want to be a teacher for the rest of my life.

I planned on going back to school right away for another degree anyway. But here's the problem: when they asked what I was going to do with it, I had no answer. How do you answer that when really the only reason you are going to school in the first place is because you aren't a mom yet?

I am not anywhere close to the plans I had made in the first two decades of my life. I learned a lot. I grew a lot. I changed a lot. I still have a lot of learning, a lot of growing, and a lot of changing left to do. I have had a very eventful first two decades (I drew the short stick when it comes to life, as they say) and I'm just praying that the next one isn't so eventful.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life anymore. I've always wanted to be a mom and a teacher. But after teaching for 2 years, I have decided it's fine for the time being--not forever. I've always wanted to be a mom, but now I'm not so sure I want a family just yet.
I don't have friends that I'm close to (in distance or relationship). I'm quite the loner. Some days I love it, and others I don't. I'm shy and indecisive. I want so desperately to get out of my shell, but it's terrifying. And when I do get out of my shell, the people I'm close to are sure to ask a million and ten questions.



I wrote that back in July. It's the end of October and it's still pretty fitting.

I've been on internship for a couple of weeks now. I'm loving being on the farm everyday, though I do miss going to school and seeing everybody. I've smiled, really smiled, more on internship than I can remember in the last year.

I still don't know for sure what I want to do with my life, but instead of stressing about it, I have decided I'm just going to wing it! "God, bless this mess" is something I say often. It's all in God's hands anyway, so I'm trying not to stress.

I'm working on loving myself again and coming out of my shell. My Marriage and Family Living teacher last fall had us think of 21 "I am" statements. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I recently wrote them down on index cards and reread them fairly often. When I feel anxious or start thinking negatively, I repeat them to myself. Over and over again, I say them. Out loud if I'm alone, to myself if I'm not. It's a good reminder and seems to work.

I've become closer to God over the last few months. I've realized who my friends are, who I can count on, who cares. Sometimes I forget, but God is there to pick up the pieces. I've begun to visit with people about God--something I never used to discuss with anybody but close family and two of my best friends. I pray more intentionally, and more often than ever before. I look forward to teaching Sunday School every week. I didn't go a lot as a kid, so I get to learn right along with them!

Maybe 20 means finding myself again. Maybe 20 means finding my passion again. Maybe being 20 means learning to embrace the mess. Maybe 20 is not looking back, or looking forward, but enjoying the moment. Maybe being 20 means letting go and letting God.


God, bless this mess.