20 taught me a lot. It was filled with many ups and downs--it started out a little rough and ended a little crazy.
20 taught me how to "wing it." 20 taught me to not be so serious. 20 taught me that it's okay to wear your heart on your sleeve and still think "feelings are dumb." It taught me that it's okay to not know what you want or where you are going in life. 20 brought me a new job with a wonderful opportunity...and then realizing it just wasn't the right fit for this time in my life. It taught me that it's okay for someone not to like you. It taught me that maturity is not equal to age. 20 taught me that hanging out in my shell is not nearly as thrilling as stepping outside of it! "Fake it 'till ya make it" is real. 20 brought me new friends, a few tears, lots of adventures, and tons of smiles! It taught me that laughing and letting things roll off your back is way more enjoyable than dwelling on other's negativity. 20 brought me a second college degree that helped me show my drive and passion for agriculture, and reconnect with home. 20 brought me a dozen job offers in a couple of weeks for jobs I had never even considered, and some I had. It brought me another new job, that wiped going back to college {again} off the table for good. 20 taught me that even though I feel "behind" compared to other people in my life, 2 college degrees, debt-free is not "behind;" it's my own track. It taught me life is not a race.
20 was hard. 20 was frustrating. 20 was humbling. 20 brought me confidence.
20 was a year filled with "God, bless this mess!" A lot of prayers, a lot of questions, and a lot of unknown.
I am so very eager for what 21 has in store for me, all the while enjoying the present!
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Choosing Happiness
I'm a happy person, because I choose it everyday. I have spent way too much time angry and unhappy in my short time on this Earth and I refuse to waste anymore time doing anything but enjoying life. I'm a firm believer that you aren't dressed until you put a smile on your face and that life is so much better laughing. I'm a natural encourager. My friends call me their personal cheerleader.
That being said--I have tough days too.
This morning I woke up feeling defeated. I had a phone call that I ignored and then told the person when I called back that I was "in the shower and didn't get the voicemail until dinner." I also know that if I give in to that feeling of defeat, it will continue for days. If I get out of bed, get dressed, and go outside--no matter how difficult it is to see another living creature--it will get better. I will overcome that feeling. But I have to choose.
So today, I got out of bed, took a shower, got dressed, and went outside. While going upstairs to our parts room, I repeatedly reminded myself of all the wonderful things in my life. Everything the Lord has blessed me with--friends, family, farming, kids, and even the not-so-wonderful weather today. I repeated my 21 "I am" statements over and over and over again. Then, our normally "particular" shop cat decided she wanted to play. She made me laugh. Ah--maybe life isn't so bad. I giggled and realized that I had stopped thinking about my tough morning.
Have I been my normally happy-go-lucky, laughing, loving life, B today? No. Not even close. Putting a smile on my face to thank the server at dinner and force a laugh at not-even-close-to-funny jokes at the dealership took so much energy that I was yawning on our way home. BUT. I did it. I got out of bed. I got out of bed and refused to be crushed by the feeling of defeat today. Was today my best day? No. But it surely wasn't my worst either. Tomorrow will be better. Or maybe not. But either way, I'm alive and I'm not going to let some stupid feeling squash me.
That being said--I have tough days too.
This morning I woke up feeling defeated. I had a phone call that I ignored and then told the person when I called back that I was "in the shower and didn't get the voicemail until dinner." I also know that if I give in to that feeling of defeat, it will continue for days. If I get out of bed, get dressed, and go outside--no matter how difficult it is to see another living creature--it will get better. I will overcome that feeling. But I have to choose.
So today, I got out of bed, took a shower, got dressed, and went outside. While going upstairs to our parts room, I repeatedly reminded myself of all the wonderful things in my life. Everything the Lord has blessed me with--friends, family, farming, kids, and even the not-so-wonderful weather today. I repeated my 21 "I am" statements over and over and over again. Then, our normally "particular" shop cat decided she wanted to play. She made me laugh. Ah--maybe life isn't so bad. I giggled and realized that I had stopped thinking about my tough morning.
Have I been my normally happy-go-lucky, laughing, loving life, B today? No. Not even close. Putting a smile on my face to thank the server at dinner and force a laugh at not-even-close-to-funny jokes at the dealership took so much energy that I was yawning on our way home. BUT. I did it. I got out of bed. I got out of bed and refused to be crushed by the feeling of defeat today. Was today my best day? No. But it surely wasn't my worst either. Tomorrow will be better. Or maybe not. But either way, I'm alive and I'm not going to let some stupid feeling squash me.
Monday, January 2, 2017
2016.
2016 was a year of ups and downs, like every year. It brought new hurdles, like every other year does. I dealt with a lot of heartbreak, firsts without people I loved, and I tried to find my happiness in life again.
I felt my heart break more than once.
I left two "jobs," but really I left nuggets that I loved with all of my heart.
I struggled with making decisions (I hope that improves with time).
I continue to compare my behind-the-scenes with everybody else's highlight reel.
BUT.
I flew on a plane by myself for the first time.
I graduated with my first college degree (debt-free!) and started working towards my second.
I went to a bachelorette party for the first time.
I turned 20. (And had a mini mid-life crisis over it...)
I went to a couple of concerts.
I gave up social media a few times for a mental break.
I learned that facing something that scares you right away, saves a lot of anxiety and stress (something I'm still working on.)
I went on three separate four-wheeling trips with the ones I love.
I completed another year of teaching Sunday School, and started a new one.
I accepted my first "big-girl" (more permanent) job 5 months before I was needed.
I decided to go back to college to finish my second degree and leave said new job for after college.
I became a godmother to the most amazing little peanut.
I realized that I enjoy time on my own--taking drives or silence--and really need it.
I started to become a morning person🙈 (shh don't tell anyone!)
I drove the combine, the truck, the chopper, ripper, and chisel plow all by myself.
I drove a forklift, skidsteer, and payloader.
I voted in a presidential election.
I realized just how important my friends are--I left some behind and found some new ones.
I spent time at the lake, the fair, the races, and Birch Coulee.
I went to the cities countless times to visit my best friend and her girls.
I tried Japanese, coffee, and countless other things for the very first time.
September marked two years without pop.
I enjoy a simple life much more than a busy one.
I find joy in the little things--beeswings, sunsets, fresh cookies.
I took the steps necessary to get a home daycare license.
I became closer by talking with my dad more often.
I wrote about my day, every single day--all 366 of them.
I made more time for friends and family, but definitely not enough.
I realized just how okay I am on my own.
I started my plan to read my bible in a year.
Here's to 2017. Another year that will surely be filled with ups and downs.
A year where I pray that making decisions isn't such a struggle.
A year to graduate college with my second college degree.
A year to spend more time on my faith and with God.
A year to laugh, to cry, to smile, to love.
A year to go on more four-wheeling trips.
to make more time for family and friends.
to be spontaneous.
to do less comparing and more encouraging.
I would say that 2016 was a pretty successful year. It didn't come without tears, but it was definitely an important year.
I felt my heart break more than once.
I left two "jobs," but really I left nuggets that I loved with all of my heart.
I struggled with making decisions (I hope that improves with time).
I continue to compare my behind-the-scenes with everybody else's highlight reel.
BUT.
I flew on a plane by myself for the first time.
I graduated with my first college degree (debt-free!) and started working towards my second.
I went to a bachelorette party for the first time.
I turned 20. (And had a mini mid-life crisis over it...)
I went to a couple of concerts.
I gave up social media a few times for a mental break.
I learned that facing something that scares you right away, saves a lot of anxiety and stress (something I'm still working on.)
I went on three separate four-wheeling trips with the ones I love.
I completed another year of teaching Sunday School, and started a new one.
I accepted my first "big-girl" (more permanent) job 5 months before I was needed.
I decided to go back to college to finish my second degree and leave said new job for after college.
I became a godmother to the most amazing little peanut.
I realized that I enjoy time on my own--taking drives or silence--and really need it.
I started to become a morning person🙈 (shh don't tell anyone!)
I drove the combine, the truck, the chopper, ripper, and chisel plow all by myself.
I drove a forklift, skidsteer, and payloader.
I voted in a presidential election.
I realized just how important my friends are--I left some behind and found some new ones.
I spent time at the lake, the fair, the races, and Birch Coulee.
I went to the cities countless times to visit my best friend and her girls.
I tried Japanese, coffee, and countless other things for the very first time.
September marked two years without pop.
I enjoy a simple life much more than a busy one.
I find joy in the little things--beeswings, sunsets, fresh cookies.
I took the steps necessary to get a home daycare license.
I became closer by talking with my dad more often.
I wrote about my day, every single day--all 366 of them.
I made more time for friends and family, but definitely not enough.
I realized just how okay I am on my own.
I started my plan to read my bible in a year.
Here's to 2017. Another year that will surely be filled with ups and downs.
A year where I pray that making decisions isn't such a struggle.
A year to graduate college with my second college degree.
A year to spend more time on my faith and with God.
A year to laugh, to cry, to smile, to love.
A year to go on more four-wheeling trips.
to make more time for family and friends.
to be spontaneous.
to do less comparing and more encouraging.
I would say that 2016 was a pretty successful year. It didn't come without tears, but it was definitely an important year.
Friday, November 11, 2016
10 Years Without You
You know, 10 years ago, I didn't think I'd survive the week without you. After a week had passed, I decided I wouldn't last a year. 5 years would be impossible. 10, unimaginable.
But here I am.
10 years ago was a really big day. I saw people cry that I had never saw cry before. It's been 10 years since I thought my world was ending. 10 years since I told you I was going to be "Ms. Wulkan," a teacher like you. 10 years since I rambled to you about being a farmer and every other thing that went through my 10-year old mind. It's been 10 years since we squeezed hands or gave hugs. 10 years since I gave you a kiss goodbye.
Ten years have gone by and I'm really not sure how.
These days I can't remember the sound of your voice or your warm embrace. Most of the time I struggle to remember what you look like without looking at a picture.
But I think about how you always said "wastebasket" instead of garbage. I remember how we'd share breakfast (grapefruit with more sugar than fruit or the blue bowl with Cheerios or Frosted Flakes--it's been 10 years and I still can't eat Frosted Flakes) and watch the birds on the lilac bush, or Wheel of Fortune on that TV on the counter. How you always had Jolly Ranchers and Wrigley's Doublemint and Spearmint gum on the top of the refrigerator. Naps on the couch, games at the table, a variety of cookies in the cookie jar. I remember you sweeping dirt under the rug, but chasing after us with the broom for driving the four-wheelers and go-carts on your sidewalk. I remember wearing a black dress with pink, sparkly butterflies all over it, and a pin to your funeral. I remember my sister jokingly telling me I leave a trail wherever I go. I remember that you were always so gentle, so caring, so full of wisdom. But most importantly, I remember the never-ending love and patience that you had.
My heart broke ten years ago, and sometimes I feel like it's going to break all over again when I think about what you've missed. Oh, the questions I would ask you if you were still here; the advice I would ask for.
Some days it feels like we just lost you last month; others, it feels like you were only a dream it's been so long.
Ten years have gone by and I still don't know how. I'm here, and you're not, but someday we'll be together again.❤
I love you Grandma.
But here I am.
10 years ago was a really big day. I saw people cry that I had never saw cry before. It's been 10 years since I thought my world was ending. 10 years since I told you I was going to be "Ms. Wulkan," a teacher like you. 10 years since I rambled to you about being a farmer and every other thing that went through my 10-year old mind. It's been 10 years since we squeezed hands or gave hugs. 10 years since I gave you a kiss goodbye.
Ten years have gone by and I'm really not sure how.
These days I can't remember the sound of your voice or your warm embrace. Most of the time I struggle to remember what you look like without looking at a picture.
But I think about how you always said "wastebasket" instead of garbage. I remember how we'd share breakfast (grapefruit with more sugar than fruit or the blue bowl with Cheerios or Frosted Flakes--it's been 10 years and I still can't eat Frosted Flakes) and watch the birds on the lilac bush, or Wheel of Fortune on that TV on the counter. How you always had Jolly Ranchers and Wrigley's Doublemint and Spearmint gum on the top of the refrigerator. Naps on the couch, games at the table, a variety of cookies in the cookie jar. I remember you sweeping dirt under the rug, but chasing after us with the broom for driving the four-wheelers and go-carts on your sidewalk. I remember wearing a black dress with pink, sparkly butterflies all over it, and a pin to your funeral. I remember my sister jokingly telling me I leave a trail wherever I go. I remember that you were always so gentle, so caring, so full of wisdom. But most importantly, I remember the never-ending love and patience that you had.
My heart broke ten years ago, and sometimes I feel like it's going to break all over again when I think about what you've missed. Oh, the questions I would ask you if you were still here; the advice I would ask for.
Some days it feels like we just lost you last month; others, it feels like you were only a dream it's been so long.
Ten years have gone by and I still don't know how. I'm here, and you're not, but someday we'll be together again.❤
I love you Grandma.
Friday, October 28, 2016
TWENTY. God, bless this mess.
I'm 20.
I suddenly feel like I need to have my life completely together and figured out.
And I've never felt like my life is further from "together."
As I walked across the stage to receive my first college degree, I decided I didn't want to be a teacher for the rest of my life.
I planned on going back to school right away for another degree anyway. But here's the problem: when they asked what I was going to do with it, I had no answer. How do you answer that when really the only reason you are going to school in the first place is because you aren't a mom yet?
I am not anywhere close to the plans I had made in the first two decades of my life. I learned a lot. I grew a lot. I changed a lot. I still have a lot of learning, a lot of growing, and a lot of changing left to do. I have had a very eventful first two decades (I drew the short stick when it comes to life, as they say) and I'm just praying that the next one isn't so eventful.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life anymore. I've always wanted to be a mom and a teacher. But after teaching for 2 years, I have decided it's fine for the time being--not forever. I've always wanted to be a mom, but now I'm not so sure I want a family just yet.
I don't have friends that I'm close to (in distance or relationship). I'm quite the loner. Some days I love it, and others I don't. I'm shy and indecisive. I want so desperately to get out of my shell, but it's terrifying. And when I do get out of my shell, the people I'm close to are sure to ask a million and ten questions.
I wrote that back in July. It's the end of October and it's still pretty fitting.
I've been on internship for a couple of weeks now. I'm loving being on the farm everyday, though I do miss going to school and seeing everybody. I've smiled, really smiled, more on internship than I can remember in the last year.
I still don't know for sure what I want to do with my life, but instead of stressing about it, I have decided I'm just going to wing it! "God, bless this mess" is something I say often. It's all in God's hands anyway, so I'm trying not to stress.
I'm working on loving myself again and coming out of my shell. My Marriage and Family Living teacher last fall had us think of 21 "I am" statements. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I recently wrote them down on index cards and reread them fairly often. When I feel anxious or start thinking negatively, I repeat them to myself. Over and over again, I say them. Out loud if I'm alone, to myself if I'm not. It's a good reminder and seems to work.
I've become closer to God over the last few months. I've realized who my friends are, who I can count on, who cares. Sometimes I forget, but God is there to pick up the pieces. I've begun to visit with people about God--something I never used to discuss with anybody but close family and two of my best friends. I pray more intentionally, and more often than ever before. I look forward to teaching Sunday School every week. I didn't go a lot as a kid, so I get to learn right along with them!
Maybe 20 means finding myself again. Maybe 20 means finding my passion again. Maybe being 20 means learning to embrace the mess. Maybe 20 is not looking back, or looking forward, but enjoying the moment. Maybe being 20 means letting go and letting God.
God, bless this mess.
I suddenly feel like I need to have my life completely together and figured out.
And I've never felt like my life is further from "together."
As I walked across the stage to receive my first college degree, I decided I didn't want to be a teacher for the rest of my life.
I planned on going back to school right away for another degree anyway. But here's the problem: when they asked what I was going to do with it, I had no answer. How do you answer that when really the only reason you are going to school in the first place is because you aren't a mom yet?
I am not anywhere close to the plans I had made in the first two decades of my life. I learned a lot. I grew a lot. I changed a lot. I still have a lot of learning, a lot of growing, and a lot of changing left to do. I have had a very eventful first two decades (I drew the short stick when it comes to life, as they say) and I'm just praying that the next one isn't so eventful.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life anymore. I've always wanted to be a mom and a teacher. But after teaching for 2 years, I have decided it's fine for the time being--not forever. I've always wanted to be a mom, but now I'm not so sure I want a family just yet.
I don't have friends that I'm close to (in distance or relationship). I'm quite the loner. Some days I love it, and others I don't. I'm shy and indecisive. I want so desperately to get out of my shell, but it's terrifying. And when I do get out of my shell, the people I'm close to are sure to ask a million and ten questions.
I wrote that back in July. It's the end of October and it's still pretty fitting.
I've been on internship for a couple of weeks now. I'm loving being on the farm everyday, though I do miss going to school and seeing everybody. I've smiled, really smiled, more on internship than I can remember in the last year.
I still don't know for sure what I want to do with my life, but instead of stressing about it, I have decided I'm just going to wing it! "God, bless this mess" is something I say often. It's all in God's hands anyway, so I'm trying not to stress.
I'm working on loving myself again and coming out of my shell. My Marriage and Family Living teacher last fall had us think of 21 "I am" statements. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I recently wrote them down on index cards and reread them fairly often. When I feel anxious or start thinking negatively, I repeat them to myself. Over and over again, I say them. Out loud if I'm alone, to myself if I'm not. It's a good reminder and seems to work.
I've become closer to God over the last few months. I've realized who my friends are, who I can count on, who cares. Sometimes I forget, but God is there to pick up the pieces. I've begun to visit with people about God--something I never used to discuss with anybody but close family and two of my best friends. I pray more intentionally, and more often than ever before. I look forward to teaching Sunday School every week. I didn't go a lot as a kid, so I get to learn right along with them!
Maybe 20 means finding myself again. Maybe 20 means finding my passion again. Maybe being 20 means learning to embrace the mess. Maybe 20 is not looking back, or looking forward, but enjoying the moment. Maybe being 20 means letting go and letting God.
God, bless this mess.
Hi, Nice to Meet You
In my head, meeting people sounds amazing.
I find people interesting. I love to know how people grew up, why they do what they do, their goals, what they want in life, what they find interesting. I love to learn how we are all connected; how we are all so different, but yet share so much in common.
But when it comes time to meet new people, I close up. I get shy. Too afraid to talk. A million and ten thoughts run through my head and I don't know how to slow them down, open my mouth, and squeak something, anything, out.
Many say that they "hate people." They don't go out because they "hate people." They don't want to meet new people because they "hate people."
One person does something we don't like and suddenly we hate everyone.
"Hate" is a pretty strong word--I urge you to use it less. Try "dislike" or "don't agree."
Even though I get nervous, I don't hate people. I love people. I love getting to know them. I love learning what makes them tick. I love to see them passionate about something. Anything. I may dislike their choices, but I don't hate them. I want to see someone be stubborn; I want to see you stick your ground and stand for what you believe in (it is possible to be a polite and open-minded, while staying true to your beliefs); I want to see people succeed.
We don't have to agree with someone's choices to love them.
I don't love stealing, cheating, lying, or deceiving. I don't love standing on the flag or shooting people. I don't love attacking people, we've never even met, over the internet because we don't agree with a choice they made. I just choose not to make those choices. If I had to agree with someone's every choice to love them, I wouldn't love anyone. Nobody is perfect. I am surely not. Sometimes I don't even agree with my own choices!
We need to be kind. We need to be supportive. We need to be patient. We need to be open-minded. We need to not say anything if we don't have anything nice to say. If you wouldn't say it in front of your grandma, at church, don't say it.
But remember, nobody is perfect. If somebody slips up, remind them that you are there for them. Try not to lecture or ridicule. Find the person you can confide in, vent to, and trust.
So, be compassionate. Share your struggles. (You might just find common ground with someone you never thought possible!) Provide a listening ear. Encourage. Lift up. Compliment. Invite. Try not to judge. Use your manners. And most importantly, smile. {Smiles are contagious after all!😉}
I'll start. Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Brandi. :)
I find people interesting. I love to know how people grew up, why they do what they do, their goals, what they want in life, what they find interesting. I love to learn how we are all connected; how we are all so different, but yet share so much in common.
But when it comes time to meet new people, I close up. I get shy. Too afraid to talk. A million and ten thoughts run through my head and I don't know how to slow them down, open my mouth, and squeak something, anything, out.
Many say that they "hate people." They don't go out because they "hate people." They don't want to meet new people because they "hate people."
One person does something we don't like and suddenly we hate everyone.
"Hate" is a pretty strong word--I urge you to use it less. Try "dislike" or "don't agree."
Even though I get nervous, I don't hate people. I love people. I love getting to know them. I love learning what makes them tick. I love to see them passionate about something. Anything. I may dislike their choices, but I don't hate them. I want to see someone be stubborn; I want to see you stick your ground and stand for what you believe in (it is possible to be a polite and open-minded, while staying true to your beliefs); I want to see people succeed.
We don't have to agree with someone's choices to love them.
I don't love stealing, cheating, lying, or deceiving. I don't love standing on the flag or shooting people. I don't love attacking people, we've never even met, over the internet because we don't agree with a choice they made. I just choose not to make those choices. If I had to agree with someone's every choice to love them, I wouldn't love anyone. Nobody is perfect. I am surely not. Sometimes I don't even agree with my own choices!
We need to be kind. We need to be supportive. We need to be patient. We need to be open-minded. We need to not say anything if we don't have anything nice to say. If you wouldn't say it in front of your grandma, at church, don't say it.
But remember, nobody is perfect. If somebody slips up, remind them that you are there for them. Try not to lecture or ridicule. Find the person you can confide in, vent to, and trust.
So, be compassionate. Share your struggles. (You might just find common ground with someone you never thought possible!) Provide a listening ear. Encourage. Lift up. Compliment. Invite. Try not to judge. Use your manners. And most importantly, smile. {Smiles are contagious after all!😉}
I'll start. Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Brandi. :)
Monday, September 19, 2016
It's Been a Year.
Grandma, I have so much to tell you. I want to smile and laugh with you. I want to hear "hi honey" just one more time. I want hugs from your chair and Pizza Ranch chicken fries delivery dates. I want fruit snacks, freezies, and Disney movies. I want a text from my "gma." I want giggles. I want to hear that sigh when you pick up the phone. One more conversation with one of my best friends. Mostly, I want to hear "I love you honey" one last time.
It's been a year and honestly, I think it is getting harder. Your number isn't yours. Your house isn't yours. Your voice is fading. Your warm embrace is gone, along with your sweet sigh. Our conversations from everything about life to notebooks and pens, I'm losing grasp of. All the cookies baked, water in purple cups, and TV dinners are memories I'm squeezing tight. I've got the blue chicken, now for some double trouble bubble gum!
Grandma, I know you needed to go, but I miss you so.
I'll never know if I found "the one," but I remember your advice about not needing someone. I'll never get to share stories about my nuggets. You didn't get to be at my college graduation; you won't meet my babies. We'll never get to discuss another book, watch another movie, or share another Lunchable.
I love you and miss you beyond words.
Until we're together again💙
It's been a year and honestly, I think it is getting harder. Your number isn't yours. Your house isn't yours. Your voice is fading. Your warm embrace is gone, along with your sweet sigh. Our conversations from everything about life to notebooks and pens, I'm losing grasp of. All the cookies baked, water in purple cups, and TV dinners are memories I'm squeezing tight. I've got the blue chicken, now for some double trouble bubble gum!
Grandma, I know you needed to go, but I miss you so.
I'll never know if I found "the one," but I remember your advice about not needing someone. I'll never get to share stories about my nuggets. You didn't get to be at my college graduation; you won't meet my babies. We'll never get to discuss another book, watch another movie, or share another Lunchable.
I love you and miss you beyond words.
Until we're together again💙
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